Fighting quarter-life crisis. Otra vez.

What a stupid name. Quarter-life crisis. I don't think I'll live 100 years anyway, it's quite rare. So it's more like 1/3 life crisis. No, I'm actually making it worse. How come one third of my life already passed and I haven't even noticed?.. It can't be. I'm in denial from now on. It should be ??-life crisis since we don't know how many years exactly we'll live. ??-life crisis. Well, it could be at any age then. I think I felt something like that at the age of thirteen. I was thinking life is not worth living, stupid me. Why would I ever think so?.. So many exciting things happened to me since that 2000-something year. And now I'm laughing while reading my diaries from this year. And I should be laughing ten years from now while reading this blog. If internet is still alive, of course. Maybe we'll be living on some other planet? I should definitely see it then!.

Fighting quarter-life crisis. Again.

They tell us - impossible is nothing.

They tell us - don't be afraid to dream.

They tell us - chase your goals.

They tell us - the world is all yours so take it by the horns.

Well, I don't want anything impossible.

I don't have a single big dream.

Not a single huge goal.

And honestly, it takes so much out of young, single Ukrainian girl to get a visa sometimes it's seems it's not worth it.

I'm just writing and feeling and being in love with life.

With little life gems that are almost the same at all the places.

With music and books and lyrics and movies and tv-shows.

With friends and family and cats.

With chocolate and warmth of teacups.

With bright summer dresses and glitter nail polishes.

With making a progress in my job.

With my job itself (almost all the time).

With discovering new cultures through language learning process.

With boys and kissing, obviously.

All those social ads, those "making dreams come true" talent tv-shows make me doubth myself and feel so small and unhappy.

And I used to feel so happy and so special.

And so confident in what I want.

Fighting quarter life crisis. Bloodless.

I´ve been obsessed with quarters, twenties and other numbers for a while now.
I´ve been labeling things and making (unnenesessary) statement.
But today is the day of the Spring song.
Yes, I do have a special song for the day when the sun shines for Earth like for the very first time and the world's so green and new it feels like gift.
So I was listening to it (it's "Now you're really living", btw) and suddenly I felt so young.
No kidding. Behind all those numbers and scary life parts there was a young girl.
Not even "relatively young".
Young, like a full-time youngling with stupid decisions and uncontrolled Spring emotions.
And that was weird.
I guess I spent too many hours thinking and adding wrinkles to my forehead.
I wanted to stay in this age but I was doing nothing with it.
The truth is I won't be this sappy forever.
But today I were and that felt awesome.
I was walking (almost levitating, really) and feeling almighty and people were watching me like I'm kind of freak (which I am so no offence taken).

It gave me strength  to fight the Crisis even harder.

Fighting a quarter-life crisis

Had it been talent shows and soap-operas that made me think I'm living wrong or doing nothing worthy with my life I don't know.

99% of what I'm watching/reading/listening to is not from my own country or in my mother language(s) so it could be that I'm just lost in foreigh cultures.

And that's funny that this thing, quarter-life crisis, is much more common in English-based web.

There are so many songs about finding the way, walking in a right direction.

There are so many people living their dreams.

There are so many roads for me to choose from.

There are so many stuff in this world it makes me sick.

Sometimes I ask myself would I be happier if I hadn't a choice at all, if I'd have kids and a husband by now and no free time to think.

No internet and not a single tv-show to watch.

The problem is I have so much.

I have twenty-something brains and body and all the choices in the world.

And maybe two more quarters of that strange functioning, of that wierd biochemical cycle we are all part of.

I'm not a pessimist, I do appreciate all the small gifts life is giving me everyday.

That's just I'm asking myself everyday - is this enough?

Is this enough to just live and smile and write and feel?

Does it have to make sence?

That's how it would feel if you tried to love someone with your brain

It was bugging me a lot lately.

The issue of self-confidence, which has been the issue of my life, really.

Yeah, I know, I'm a happy spoiled the only child who's got everything in her life easily, so that would be the only issue.

But it was. The issue; and still is.

When I was a teenager I obviously did not love myself (who ever does?). I was feeling too different.

Sometimes I did not know what to say or where to go or how to understand a joke.

I felt like I did not know the rules everyone else knew.

Now I'm very educated (thanks to the internet and a magazines) and I think that I love myself.

I know I'm pretty and smart, fast-thinking, interesting person. I know I am able to put my thoughts on a paper, to collect them to a poetry and do it fairly well.

So yeah, I know all those things.

But I don't really believe in them with all my heart.

I keep saying to a mirror - what a beautiful face, and I look on mirror a lot (some people obviously think I'm a very narcissic girl).

I keep saying - good job, when doing something right.

But my heart doesn't believe in all those things.

That's how it would feel if you tried to love someone with your brain - it's not working.

You can say - oh, this guy is so handsome and so funny and so reliable, I want to love him.

But you won't unless your heart commands you so.

Who ever knows how's your heart is working?

It's making a random decisions and you cannot control them.

You can't love the right person. You only love who you love.

So if you don't love yourself, there wouldn't be anything but words.

But maybe if I kept saying them my heart would take pity on me and finally love me well?

I'm pretty.

I'm smart.

I'm a good, loving person.

Please, love me my heart?